A Most Unlikely Exam
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Orochimaru decides to hedge his bets during the Chunin Exams and unwittingly creates a new legend for the Throne of Heroes. Unfortunately this brings a mad Beast down on the world's head. Thankfully the universe doesn't like having its peas mixed with its porridge and sends in A Most Unlikely ally...or is he? Narutoxharem...with a twist. Humor and chaos abounds. Something new!
1. A Most Unlikely Exam

**A/N: (EDIT) SO BE IT.**

**I warned you. I asked you all to be nice and respectful. I have cried and begged and pleaded for the harassment to stop, but this...this...THIS! I'm so over and done with getting flak for trying to write a series, a SIMPLE COHESIVE SERIES and all I do is get shat on.**

**T_T**

** So.**

**Wasting my talent, am I?**

**Lost my damn mind have I?**

**Only capable of updating Fate stories, am I?!**

**One trick pony with a hard on for Naruto, am I?!**

**No, no, by all means! Lets keep reading down the list of insults I've been getting lately and see just how riled up I can get! Apparently I'm also irrelevant, retarded, not interesting and an utter failure as a person. And lets not forget that one chap with the sock-puppet accounts who enjoys spamming my stories with senseless hate telling me to kill myself.**

**Really?**

**...Really?**

_**...REALLY NOW?!**_

**Sorry for all this but I'm absurdly pissed off at the moment now. Someone even suggested all my stories are "most unlikely" to be continued. How many times do I have to say that the "Most Unlikely" series is one big story told from different perspectives? And still I get flak for trying to write, for trying to make people happy. God forbid I actually update my other stuff!**

**Fine. Whatever. I see how it is.**

**I've been on this site for TEN SODDING YEARS. Not only have I finished other stuff by now, but I've also branched out and broken ground where others wouldn't tread. ****Look, I know I ain't the best writer on this site. That much is abundantly clear. There are others on this site better than me, much, much better at that. I wish had even a _tenth _of their ingenuity. They're the true trailblazers, the sort that aren't afraid to take a new approach to things. That honor goes to folks like Perfect Lionheart, Crossy Cross, Silver Queen, and others, the list goes on and on. Frankly, I don't even count myself in the top ten.**

**But folks like what I do and I think I'm decent hand at it. Crossovers are my thing. They always will be. That's where I shine. A****nd I HAVE written other stories that aren't about Naruto. ****Game of Thrones, Bleach, Mass Effect, and more!**

***exhales deeply***

**I do apologize for flipping my lid there.**

**WARNING!**

**ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AHOY!**

**EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED ME HEARTIES!**

** YES this is connected to the "A Most Unlikely" Series.**

**This is meant to make you laugh, cry, and hopefully, want more.**

**There, now that we've gotten that disclaimer out of the way, I can explain.**

**So here's the premise if for some reason you didn't read the summary: Orochimaru decides to hedge his bets like the bastard he is and unwittingly creates a legend for the Throne of Heroes, the most powerful one yet. There's just one problem. A certain Beast is out to erase this "legend" before it can even begin. And, well, the multiverse just can't have that. ****So it sends backup. ****IN. BLOODY. SPADES. ****Needless to say, shenanigans ensue.**

**The task? Keep Kid!Naruto alive until he's capable of dealing/evading the Beast on his own.**

**Of course that doesn't end well, which in turn leads to more shenanigans.**

**In another words, a reset of sorts.**

**Sound familiar, no?**

**Chunin Exam Day was actually quite the influence for this story, so I paid it homage of sorts here in the title. ****I wanted to try something to new, so here you go, have a this mad concoction that I totally wasn't high while writing. Nope. Not even a little bit. ****Here, like in "A Most Unlikely Card" we see just HOW Naruto becomes a legend.**

**The difference being?**

**Well...lets just call this Naruto one of three potential outcomes of A Most Unlikely Card when it wraps up. One is Snatcher!Naruto, a sarcastic bastard who keeps order and does what his self-given name says on the tin: he snatched up bad guys and keeps things in order, more or less. Another is Summoner!Naruto, who wields Servants like cards while utilizing his abilities alongside their own on a name-to-name basis.. And the third...well. He dead, so outcome C doesn't count.**

**And yes, Snatcher is meant to remind you of THAT Snatcher from A Hat In Time...just less of a dick.**

** This Naruto's quite well adjusted by comparison...though he does not enjoy having his vacation hijacked.**

**This. THIS! Right here! Is where everything starts to come together. It may not seem like it at a glance, but this was all planned. The Kin bit miiiiiiiight have landed in here because everyone was upset that she got her arse handed to her in A Most Unlikely Duo. So here.**

**As ever, this will be gone in TWO DAYS if folks don't like it. ****I really do hope you like it...**

**So! Clarification! The setting is the tower inside the Forest of Death.**

**Just before the preliminary matches, in case one wonders.**

**And someone's been cornered by a certain sneaky snake...**

**I'll be updating Sage of the Moors next.**

**Followed by I Am Not A Dragon.**

**Peace, peace, aaaaand out~!**

**Get ready to laugh!**

_"There will always be someone better than you._

_There will always be someone stronger than you, or faster._

_The trick is to be SMARTER than them. Be clever. Be better than them._

_And if you can't be smarter? Be fiercer. Rage against them, kid. Roar! Terrify them!"_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Exam**

_You know, I'm getting REAL sick and tired of your crap, Beast._

_I mean, its annoying enough that you're trying to wipe us all out across the multiverse; but now you've gotta screw with the timeline at that? How dense can you be? C'mon, kid. Just plain rude, that is. Downright petty, if I say so myself. You couldn't take a few of us in a fair fight-or maybe it was Foreigner that kicked your ass to kindgom come?-so rather than wait and build up your strength like a man and wait us out, you have to actively screw us all over. Not just by going back in time, no no no, because that would be too simple to fix, but by actively interfering in pieces of the past? Seriously?! Oi! Do you have any idea how difficult you're making my job right now?! How can someone exist if they don't have a past?_

_ Guess what!? They can't, idiot!_

_That damn Throne's gonna burn my ass if I screw this one up! _

_If you start pulling one string the whole damn tapestry might come unraveled! Are you TRYING to destroy everything?! Don't answer that!_

_Punk-ass kid with your punk-ass temper tantrum ruining MY vacation...everything was nice and calm until you came along! Even that daft hornsey bastard wasn't trying this hard to break reality! Why can't you just crawl back in your hole and we'll do this again in another hundred years. __Go on now, shoo! __I said scat! __Scram!_

_You don't mess with time! That's literally our ONLY rule of our Contracts!_

_And guess what? Yours just expired!_

_But noooooo, you've gotta be like this, and now I've gotta track you down! Do you have any idea how delicate this whole thing is? One slip up, one change, and everything might go out of wack! One of the kid's legends might never be born or worse, fade from existence completely! I hope you're satisfied, Beast! Because wherever you are, whenever you went, I AM going to get there before you and I will tear STRIPS out of your soul by the time I get through with you! There won't be anything left for the others once I-_

_Eh? What's that, honey? He went when? Where? All the way back there?_

_You know what? Nevermind? I'm fine. Yeah. Totally fine with this._

_Someone has to do the dirty work, I suppose._

_Someone has to clean up these messes._

_Someone's gotta be the Snatcher._

_Lets get to work, ladies!_

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

_Kin stared into the abyss and it grinned back at her._

She couldn't move, could barely even bring herself to breathe. The very act of staying conscious required a physical act of willpower on her part, one that was even now beginning to falter. A small whimper started in her throat and she stubbornly choked it down as she gazed up into those golden eyes. They were not the eyes of a man, but a snake, a creature so beyond her that her heart wanted nothing more than to hammer right out of her chest and fly far, far, far away from here. And Orochimaru was on her her side! Supposedly.

He'd cornered her in the tower before the other teams arrived, cordoning her away from teammates for some purpose she didn't understand.

She desperately, desperately wanted to understand; because if she didn't understand then her mind was going to go off on a tangent, and that meant she was going ramble like an utter idiot until she calmed down. Again, unlikely given the rapid rate of her pulse. He'd all but backed her into a corner, both literally and figuratively. She could no sooner escape than she could force her heart to cease beating.

And then he spoke:

"I have a task for you, little Kin."

At these words, the blackette shot ramrod straight.

Loyalty fought against fear and the former won out, but only just.

Fingers of fell ice sank into her spine, chilling her very soul to the bone. Did a soul have bones? Theoretically the soul was immaterial and thus shouldn't have any such structure, although many theorized-oh gods, she was rambling again. Of course she was! The poor girl was scared out of her mind! _You_ try coming face to face with the living embodiment of death when it was angry and see how well _you _stack up to him! Especially when said creature can kill you with a flick of his wrist!

No, she could do this.

She _would _do this.

She had to.

"Y-Yes, my lord Orochimaru." it took all she had just to stutter the words out, such was her fear. "What do you desire?"

She owed him her life. Her everything. Without him, she'd just be another orphan on the streets, a silent stray snatching scraps in the gutter. If he hadn't plucked her out of that life she would've wound up in a brothel or worse...and what was to stop her from going back to it? Or worse, simply being killed once she expended her usefulness? No, she'd do anything for him. She had to make herself useful. She had to _be _useful, to show she was worth something, that she had value in his eyes, lest she be thrown away like so much trash.

Something in her quailed.

She'd do whatever he asked of her.

So long as he didn't make her fight the Uchiha.

No, no, no! She wanted no part of that nonsense! None at all!

While she may not have been strictly awake for that incident-damn Yamanaka wench-her teammates had told her all she wanted to know on the matter. They'd filled in what had once been an innocent gap in her memory with an utter horror story, one she had no desire to face. That...that thing was not human. Anyone bearing a fragment of Orochimaru's power was someone to be appeased at best, feared at worst, and avoided at all costs if she could help it.

As if sensing that very thought, the disguised sanin tittered softly.

"Kukuku! Do not worry, little Kin." he was patronizing her of course, as he always did, but she daren't correct him, "I have no intention of sending you to the slaughter...yet." Those golden eyes gleamed at her in the dark as she gazed on, spellbound. "You have a far higher purpose to attend to. One might even call it a mission of sorts; the success of our little coup may well depend on you."

_On me?_

Her brow furrowed in mild consternation, belying the tension boiling in her breast.

"I don't understand." the words emerged as a squeak "What do you want me to do, my lord?"

A pale hand ghosted under her chin, lifting her visage to meet his own, and try as she might she couldn't look away.

"Are you willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish your task?" that eerie, slitted gaze bored into her own, hypnotically. "No matter the cost?"

She nodded numbly.

And that sickly smile broadened.

"Good girl. Now, then. This is what you will do...

It was not the task she had expected. Not at all. Far from it, in fact.

The "mission" Kin was given turned her pale face scarlet, but she accepted it nonetheless. Orochimaru was nothing if not precise; he laid out her task for her in clear and concise terms. A small, tiny voice in the back of her head that served as her conscience protested, but she quashed it with an effort. It would change her life forever. Whether it would be for the better...well. That remained to be seen.

For it was then that the sanin's smile turned ugly.

"Excellent." those pale palms collided in a gentle clap as he crept in closer. "I knew you wouldn't fail me. Now, we'll have to sink those precious memories of yours."

"What?" she squeaked the words out, a spike of fear stabbing into her heart.

Kin's resolve faltered and she tried to take a swift step backward. Unfortunately this proved nigh-on-impossible given that her mentor had already back her into a corner. There was nowhere to retreat to, nothing to throw a substitution jutsu at. Nothing at all. Some of her fear must've shown through; because the bastard actually started to chuckle.

"Why, In case you're captured of course." his approach didn't falter in the least. Were his hands glowing, or was it just her imagination? "We can't have you leaking information. After all, you swore to do whatever it took to accomplish your task, did you not?"

"I...no." her resolve crumbled. "I can't do it. You're asking too much."

Then that same sly smile stretched across his face and _nonononopnopenope!_

He laughed that eerie laugh of his. "My dear, its far too late to have second thoughts."

Most of them may have been bad memories for the orphan, but they were _her_ memories, and there were good ones scattered like lost jewels among them. When she'd learned her first true jutsu. Her first memory of sleeping in a real bed. Her tenth birthday, a quiet thing that she'd celebrated alone. Memories were mean to be treasured. To ask her to discard them...to forsake the very core concept of her identity...the teenager's very soul cried out against it this atrocity. But there was nothing she could do. There was no reason she could possibly give-no empathy for her to appeal to.

In the end she tried to run; to wriggle past him and bolt.

Needless to say, she failed horribly.

Orochimaru was a master ninja; he'd developed ninjutsu that others didn't even have names for yet. Stopping her was child's play for one such as him.

In the last instant before he laid hands on her head, Kin realized the true horror of what the snake sanin intended; not only was he going to make her a sleeper agent to fulfill his goals; but he was about to eradicate entire swathes of her past solely for the sake of fulfilling his task. What couldn't be sealed he would simply be...erased. Theoretically some of those memories might well remain in a dormant state if left untouched by this ghastly procedure but others vanished even as she clung onto them. Hate bloomed, a deep festering anger-that someone would do this to her!-but then that too, was quick to fade.

_And then there was pain._

Kin couldn't say whether she screamed; rather, she soon forgot even the memory of screaming at all.

She forgot a great many things, and when Orochimaru was done she could barely bring herself to care. Content with his success, the sanin slithered away, trusting in her to recover. Kin trailed after him like a lost shadow, small and broken, led away in quiet compliance. The Sanin never once spared a thought for her, nor the horror of what he'd done. He hadn't been truly sure it would work at that; the last individual he'd attempted that old jutsu on had wound up a drooling idiot; which was in part why he oft refrained from using it. Still! This was no time to hesitate. He had a jinchuuriki to subvert, and the girl would play her part to the letter.

Supreme in his confidence, he didn't even bother to ascertain his surroundings; nor did he consider the possibility that someone might've _noticed _the girl's screams.

A moment passed.

Then another.

_Another._

Finally, nearly two minutes after their footsteps faded into the dark, something stirred.

A silent ripple of the slate-grey floor rose in their absence, shifting and sliding aside with sluggish tenacity.

Little more than a sliver of stone, one that oozed and pooled as someone passed through it from the bedrock below.

An orange spiraling mask bearing a single eye-hole rose from said ripple, followed by a black-gloved hand. It glanced right. Then left. Right again. Slowly, carefully, the owner of said hand peeled the mask away to reveal familiar eyes and whiskered cheeks framed by blond hair alongside a sly smile. In another world, another realm, another universe, this mask once belonged to an individual called "Tobi", once upon a time. Said owner had unfortunately lost it quite some time ago before his death; this was, most assuredly, not Tobi's face.

Still, that eye-and this jutsu-had proven so damnably useful that he'd taken them for himself.

If you don't know who this is by now dear reader, well...you simply haven't been paying attention.

One he was certain he wasn't being observed, the owner of said mask pulled himself the rest of the way out.

Shaking himself like a wet dog, the newcomer carefully planted the mask back over his face, rolled his shoulders, and stood in the ensuing silence. For a long moment, that mask regarded the way Kin had come. Fingers drummed impatiently against the wall as their owner debated taking action but-reluctantly-decided against it for now. He _really _wanted to send someone after them; or barring that, simply step in and smash the snake's skull into paste, just as he'd done in his own world.

But he couldn't.

Rather, he shouldn't.

He really, really, REALLY wanted to.

His fingers twitched again, itching for a weapon.

This place brought back memories, and not all of them pleasant.

...no. He was here to hunt monsters-one wearing his own face at that-not play hero to every damsel in distress. His contract was clear, and for better or worse he was bound by the rules that had been written. _He _couldn't interfere. That much was clear. Preserve the timeline, keep the kid alive, beat back the Beast and get out. Of course, that didn't mean he was about to simply let this horror go unpunished. He wouldn't. Every contract had a loophole, and this one was no exception. After a moment's consideration a plan began to brew in the back of his mind. Whistling softly to himself he spun about and stalked off in the opposite direction.

"Well, well, well!" the young man hummed softly to himself behind the mask as he slipped back into the shadows, "That _wasn't_ supposed to happen this time around. Gonna have to do something about this...

He really was too honest for this shtick.

So much for a staying out of it.

_Bugger._

* * *

_(...Several Hours Later...)_

* * *

_He_ had to fight _her?_

As a young Naruto Uzumaki looked on the screen slowly cycled to a halt, revealing the contestants for the first bout. Bold letters only further affirmed his silent fear. The preliminaries were unexpected enough on their own measure, but he hadn't thought they'd actually select him in the first round. That was...oddly worrying for some reason. His chakra hadn't felt quite right since he'd fought that snake freak back in the forest, but there was something else, a terrible horrible feeling that he was being played somehow. Yeah, that was definitely his face up there of course, but who was the girl opposite him? He'd never seen her before in his life.

Behind him, he heard Sakura suck in a sharp breath.

"What? What?!" he sputtered. "Did I miss something here?!"

Unbidden, his gaze strayed back to the gold letters jutting out in poisonous relief:

**Naruto Uzumaki vs. Kin Tsuchi.**

Without thinking he began to search for her amongst the other genin.

She was easy enough to find once he knew what-who!-to look for in the rest.

Fair of face with dark eyes and darker hair, so long that it nearly brushed her feet before being bound by a violet ribbon. Like any shinobi worth their salt she bore a forehead protector bearing the symbol of her village in the stark silver relief of a musical note. Similarly, she was clad in loose green vest that somewhat resembled a traditional flak jacket, complete with snake patterned pants a likewise-styled skirt over it, to match another such-patterned scarf wrapped tightly about her neck.

Still, the poor girl looked about as nervous as he felt. Although...

...the hell was with the snake theme, there?

Oh, if only he knew.

Her gaze caught his as she descended the steps leading to the arena and something in him_ lurched._ It wasn't the way she looked at him; it was the fear in his eyes. Not of him, but...everything. Sheer, raw terror. No, he knew that look. There was more to it than that. Much more. She was sweating. Her movement seemed wrong somehow. Stiff. Almost jerky by comparison, given that she was all but stumbling down the steps. As if she were scared out of her wits, or had forgotten how to walk. Weird.

Who forgot how to walk?

Still, everyone was looking at him and no one was saying anything, so he felt he should do_ something._

So why couldn't he?

For once in his life, Naruto's usual exuberance eluded him; he couldn't bring himself to shout, or declare that he would win, or even smile. Everything felt somber. As if the world were watching him.

Halfway to the steps he glimpsed a strange man wearing an orange mask.

Clad in the standard attire of what one might expect of a Konoha Anbu, he nevertheless radiated a strange sense of familiarity. And he was wearing _orange! _Some silent part of his soul silently approved. As if he he'd seen him somewhere before. Weird. He'd never even seen this weirdo before; let alone noticed him until now.

Bah!

Certainly no one special.

Probably just another guard for the old man.

Thus it came as quite a surprise-yes quite the surprise indeed-when said stranger caught him by the arm and held him back. Naturally, Naruto's first instinct was to struggle, to jerk away from them. That only made his captor clamp down all the more, to the point of physically restraining him.

"Hold up there, kid." the masked man whispered in his ear, his voice low and serious. "Might wanna take it easy on her."

Naruto goggled up at him. "What?"

"She also uses a nasty genjutsu," his would-be ally continued conspiratorially, as if they were discussing nothing more than a passing cloud, "So beware the bells. Oh and try not to make her cry." that mangled mask tilted curiously to the left. "Poor girl's in over her head already with Orochimaru for whatever that might be worth, and it wouldn't do to break her anymore than she already is. I mean, look at her." his head jerked down toward the arena. "Looks like she'd fold over at a strong gust of wind at this point."

"I...you...what?" by now, the boy's eyes were veritably spinning in confusion. "What does that damn snake have to do with this?! Who are you?!"

He never got his answer.

"None of your damn business. Try not to die no me, now."

Five clawed fingers brushed against the baffled boy's lower torso and he felt something _loosen _deep inside his chakra coils, something he hadn't even truly been aware of until this very moment. Then, before he could even open his mouth to ask what he'd done to him, the stranger broke the genjutsu, gripped his arm with _impossible force_ and performed a vicious judo throw right then and there. With him on the receiving end of it! Blue eyes bulged as he realized what was about to happen; even then he wasn't quite fast enough to escape-not in time at any rate.

"What are you doing-WAAARGH?!"

Poor boy; he barely had time to yelp before he found himself heaved arse-over-elbow into the arena below and flung with frightful speed. Mercifully-or not given the rather mercurial whims of fate these days-his whiskered visage absorbed the worst of the impact as he landed facefirst in the stone.

A muffled smattering of nervous laughter arose from the stands, and despite herself, Kin winced when her opponent didn't get back up.

"Oops." she almost heard the masked man mutter to himself. "Forgot how weak we were back then...

The hell does that mean?

Indeed, in spite of her best efforts to the contrary, Kin caught herself blinking, almost feeling sorry for the poor boy. That looked like a rather bad fall; she'd seen shinobi die from less in Sound...yet when she reached for a memory, it eeled through her grasp, leaving her ill at ease. Why? What did she have to worry about? She was here to fight and...why was she here to fight again?

"Are you...alright?"

Quick as a bolt-and much to the relief of everyone watching-Naruto jolted upright. "I'm fine!"

To actually have someone-much less a kunoichi from another village-actually ask after his wellbeing was...well! He wasn't sure what to make of it. Nor her, for that matter. That someone outside of his sparse circle of good friends would even deign to inquire about his health was so revolutionary that it actually stopped him for a moment. Sakura never asked him that. Nor did Sasuke. Even Kakashi-sensei. The realization humbled him, if only for the merest of moments.

Of course, being Naruto, he immediately spoke his mind on the matter.

"Gee, you're kinda nice aren't ya?" a bright, exuberant smile bloomed on his face. "Lets have a good match!"

Kin felt a sudden surge of heat rise in her cheeks and stubbornly stamped it out. Shaking her head, which in turn caused her long midnight-black hair to snap back and forth over her shoulders like a whip, she frantically fought to marshal her thoughts. _Stupid girl! Focus! Don't let him get in your head!_

So distracted was she by her own myriad turmoil that Kin never heard the proctor commence the match.

One moment she'd been watching his crouched form, tensed and ready to spring.

She never saw Naruto move.

The next, there was pain.

_Pain!_

Breath rushed out of her as she folded around the fist lodged in her solar plexus. Air rushed out of her lungs as she gasped, squeaking for breath that wouldn't come. Her opponent looked just as shocked as she did when he stumbled backward and left her to crumple to her knees; as if he'd expected her to dodge in the first place. Ordinarily she would have...if most of her memories-and a good portion of her instinct-hadn't been carved out of her like a rotten watermelon. Where once she might experienced anger or even rage at being bested, now she felt only shock, shock that was immediately overridden by something far more poignant.

Fear.

Her eyes widened and her resolve crumpled. So too did her body. Like a wet paper bag.

Say what you would about Naruto Uzumaki, but when he hit someone, he hit hard. By the time she realized she'd blacked out for a handful of seconds, it was already over. When she came to, she found herself sprawled out across the floor and her opponent gaping at her like a fish, arm still half-extended from the clumsy punch he'd thrown. Blue eyes strayed to his fist, then to her. Back to his fist. Back to her. Even as she struggled to muster some semblance of her strength to do something-anything!-her body betrayed her and she collapsed.

"Winner," Hayate croaked softly into a clenched fist, "Uzumaki Naruto."

Scarce had he spoken than Kin's opponent rushed to her side.

"Oh, geez!" distantly, she felt a hand center against her back. "Are you okay?! I didn't mean to hit you that hard!"

Kin could only bring herself to cough all the more despite his words, or perhaps in spite of the small palm tracing rough circles against her back. Once upon a time, her first instinct would have been to swat those clumsy hands away, to snap at him for defeating her but something stilled her at the last second. Now? She only stiffened. wasn't used to being...touched. Not by her teammates, or anyone for that matter. Yet she sensed not so much as a glimmer of malice in him, nor the awkward way he fussed over her. He was almost gentle, in a boyish, ignorant way.

"Here, let me help you back to the stands." Before she could think to thank him, he summoned a pair of shadows clones.

The kunoichi felt her eyes bulge slightly and tried to wriggle free, to no avail. They already had her.

"No, really, I'm fine." she tried to squeak out, tried to deny him. "There's no need to-

"And I deny your denial!" the boy scoffed. "C'mon, its just this way...

High in the stands, a certain snake stifled a smile.

A man in an orange mask sighed softly.

_And the world began to change._

**A/N: Poor Kin.**

**I promise she'll get better.**

**As to the rest of the story though...**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**Ha.**

**Haha.**

**Hahaha!**

**AhahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!**

**I regret nothing.**

**You are going to imagine this Servant!Naruto with Snatcher's snark. **

**My words compeeeeeeeel you. I've finally discovered what A Hat In Time is and holy hell I just had to do this.**

**Snatcher!Naruto certainly isn't a class, its just one I made up on the fly. It certainly sounds better than Cleaner!Naruto. Seriously, Cleaner?! Is that a thing?! Because if it is, it shouldn't be. Just try to imagine it for a moment, if you will"**

**Beware thine mop and sponge Feeeaaar them!**

**Fear my blasted bucket and pail!**

**UNLIMITED WATER WORKS!**

***cackles***

**I had an absolute blast writing this! The laughs! The tension! The drama! The hints of perceived romance! While this may not be a PURE Naruto story, it'll still be a blast to write. Lets face it folks, if Naruto had a slice of humble pie dealt out to him this early, it would actually influence him a bit. Worse, a close win like this would be one he wasn't proud of.**

**Gee, I wonder what Kin's so-called "Mission" is. Ought to be obvious.**

**Though this may SEEM a pure Naruto story, its still connected to the "A Most Unlikely Series".**

**Hence the crossover tag. Didn't seem right to label this as a pure Naruto story, given where and when it takes place.**

**The previews-though thar be but two-give a startling hint towards that.**

**In short, Beast is trying to cheat by going back and eradicating a certain Servant!Naruto before they became a legend, thereby erasing them from history. Using minions at first, but its not above all but wrecking the world to get at him if need be. Scary, right? If you die before becoming a hero, those deeds never happened; they never get recorded. Ergo...poof. Gone. *shivers* Thankfully there is a failsafe system in place to prevent such an occurrence.**

**As a wise woman once said, the universe doesn't like its peas mixed with its porridge.**

**In return? Our crazy boy has one of the most powerful Servants sent after him.**

**You've already seen him, and the previews flat out reveal him.**

**His title is a deliberate nod to A Hat In Time.**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that!**

**Get ready to laugh!**

**Which do ya like?**

**(Previews!)**

_"Do or do not! There is not try! In you go, now!"_

* * *

_"Will! You! Stop! DYING?!"  
_

_Naruto yelped and ducked each swing. "That's an unreasonable request!"_

* * *

_"I...failed?"_

_His savior flicked his forehead._

_"Yes. You did. Now go out there and fail again until you get it right. Chop chop!"_

* * *

_The masked man uttered a jaw popping yawn._

_"So...you gonna tap that or what?"_

_"I'm thirteen!"_

_"And?"_

* * *

_"I...you...what the hell was that?!" Naruto sputtered! "That thing...it tried to kill me! It had my face! What's going on?!"_

_"Was I ever this noisy?" his savior sighed. "Well, I guess I better be blunt about it...you're totally screwed."_

_"EH?!"_

_Naruto looked up. And up again. Up. Even then he couldn't quantify what-who!-he was looking at. __With a soft sigh, the stranger reached up and plucked off the orange spiral mask they wore. __His own face gazed down and back at him, blue eyes hardened by years of service. That was him?! He grew up to look like that?! He looked awesome! Perhaps gleaning the awe in his eyes, this towering stranger with his face knelt down and ruffled his hair as a big brother might towards a younger sibling._

_...welcome to the multiverse, kid."_

_His companion's reaction was...another matter._

_"SO SMALL! SO TINY! HE'S ADORABLE! I WANT TO SQUEEZE HIM!"_

_The man who had thus far only identified himself as "Snatcher" bopped her head._

_"No! Bad! Tiamat! You'll break the brat! We've been over this! He can't be a legend if you crush him to death!"_

**R&R~! =D**


	2. A Most Unlikely Encounter

**A/N: *****EDIT***

**Do you believe me now?**

**Do you want me to cry that badly? Because I am.**

**Look at the reviews. DO YOU SEE THE TROLLS NOW?!**

**Just look at the reviews, they're making me tear my hair out.**

**Some people are saying I care to much about the trolls, and don't care. But. Their words. HURT!**

**Lack of reviews really hurts ya know, it tends to drive me right back into hibernation and away from everyone.**

**Well, I did take a break from my Fate stories for a bit. I ****Updated some Game of Thrones, a bit of Justice League, other odds and ends. ****And I got. Bloody. Bombarded. Complaints! Threats! Angry fan mail! ****Its only been three days! Yeesh! Fine, fine, here's another chapter.**

**Speaking of which! If all the Naruto incarnations meet-and they will, sooner or later-we'll refer to them by their classes.**

**For example! This Naruto would be addressed as Pure!Naruto by most. Because thus far he most embodies his canon counterpart.**

**Furthermore, this chapter is meant to be emotional, and show just how messed up the shinobi world as a whole is in general. In other words, a lot.**

**This chapter also reveals why Beast is so desperate to have this Naruto dead and gone, erased from the timeline altogether. Of course, Beast is a bloody idiot and doesn't realize things don't work that way. But hey, when you're literally a savage wholly incapable of long-term planning like Beast, events tend to spiral out of control.**

**As ever, Snatcher!Naruto is inspired by Snatcher from A Hat In Time, of course.**

**He's just...a bit less surly in that regard I suppose, but still grouchy.**

**And yes, he's quite capable of using Install and Include.**

**Minor timeskip here for the matches.**

**Peace, peace, aaaaand out~!**

_"Who the hell are you?"_

_"If its names you're after...call me Snatcher."_

_~a conversation._

**A Most Unlikely Encounter**

_Naruto was going to destroy Neji. _

No, young Uzumaki thought to himself, simple defeat was too good for the Hyuuga prick. He wanted to humiliate him; grind his pride into the dust until nothing remained. Was this what it felt like to hate someone? He had never truly hated someone before-Haku's deception didn't count in his mind-until this moment. Yes, he decided, this must be hate. The mere thought of Neji Hyuuga was enough to turn his vision red. He would be fighting him in a month; he needed a way to get past that tricky taijutsu. He didn't want to end up like...Hinata.

Yes, he had made a promise.

Yes, he'd sworn to crush him in the finals.

Yes, come hell or high water, Uzumaki Naruto kept his word.

Try as he might, he couldn't forget what that Hyuuga bastard had done to his cousin. The sight of that final blow had been carved into his mind's eye for him to relive over and over again whenever he closed his eyes, a scene unfolding in slow motion when he dared dwell on it. He'd punctured Hinata's heart, struck her out of spite when she refused to fall. That had been yesterday. Now the medics said she might not live to see another sunrise. Bastard. Well, now Neji Hyuuga was firmly at the top of his shit-list with Gaara and Sasuke. That raccoon-eyed freak had just been cruel to Lee. And as for Sasuke...well. He wouldn't say no to a chance to knock his rival down a beg.

Unfortunately said rival had been spirited away by Kakashi, leaving him with naught but wind for a plan. The "tutor" he'd promised him had never shown up.

Left to his own devices, Naruto was forced to find alternative methods to raise his skills. So he did the only thing he knew how. He worked.

With bright Determination roaring in his heart, young Uzumaki Naruto made his way to the training grounds to prepare.

The attack came out of nowhere.

"Gack?!"

One moment the young Uzumaki had been strolling peaceably down the street in comparative silence, his mind focused on the month ahead and the finals that would come with it; in the next, an unfamiliar arm looped out of an alley and hooked around his neck to haul him away. To say they outright clotheslined him wouldn't have been an understatement. When the young jinchuuriki attempted to cry out a strong hand immediately clamped down on his mouth and hauled him all the harder. What the hell?! Was he being kidnapped or something?! Frantically, he bit down the hand on the hand, to no avail.

His teeth didn't penetrate the glove, though his efforts did earn him a stinging smack across the back of the head.

"Not so loud, you shitty brat!" someone groused at him. "If I let you go, will you stop struggling?"

Naruto hesitated a moment, then nodded weakly against the tense hand restraining him.

In an instant he was freed. Unfortunately, they hadn't told him to be quiet.

He soon found his answers as his captor spun him around.

It was the same masked bastard from the preliminaries, but he looked decidedly...different. Clad in light silver-blue plate draped over azure cloth, he looked more a knight then some hapless Anbu wandering about waiting to be pranked. The sole blight on it all was that glaring mask. Now, Naruto liked masks. Downright fancied them if they were orange. But that mask just did _not _match.

"Who the hell are you?"

"If its names you're after, Snatcher will do."

Despite himself, the boy snickered. "That's a bad name. You should feel bad-

THUNK.

A blade wedged itself into the wall, less than inch from his snickering face, shattering brick and mortar alike.

"I'm sorry," a silken purr emerged from behind that stoic facade, "There was a fly buzzing around just now. I wanted to swat it."

_Urk._

"Look, its none of your damn business what I call myself." the stranger addressed him stoically as he extracted the burning blade. "But that girl of yours? The one you sucker-punched back in the preliminaries? You need to drop her. Like a hot potato. She's a brainwashed plant for Orochimaru. A spy, if you didn't understand the last word. An obvious one at that. That snake freak you fought in the forest? Yeah. She works for him. He all but scooped out pieces of her past just to make her seem harmless."

Naruto's jaw clicked shut in stubborn defiance.

He thought of that sad and lonely face, her hand in his as he led her to the infirmary.

_"Kin, right? Are you...okay?_

_...no thanks to you. That last hit **hurt."**_

_"We fought once. That doesn't make us enemies."_

_"I don't understand you. Why take care of someone like me?"_

_"Why not? I scared you in our fight, right? So here, lemme help you..._

Something in him hardened and he grit his teeth, fists balling stubbornly at his sides.

"No." he growled. "I don't believe you."

"NO?" The masked man-why did he sound so damn familiar?-scoffed, jerking away from him as though he'd been struck. "Buddy, I'm not giving you a choice here; believe it or not You think she's your friend? She isn't. She isn't even her true self. Not really. She doesn't matter in this timeline. She doesn't count at all. Do you understand?" A hand drifted to the saber resting against his right hip, a gleaming golden weapon that seemed to swallow the darkness and emit light. "Either you leave her be...or I'll take care of her."

"The hell's that supposed to mean?" Naruto squinted.

"You deaf?" the masked head tilted. "I'll kill her."

He choked. "You wouldn't!"

"Yes, I would. My hands are soaked with blood, kiddo." Snatcher sounded almost...annoyed by his anger. "Everything I do, every act, no matter how violent, how atrocious, has been and always will be for the greater good as a whole. I've let worlds fall and civilizations burn, just to keep the peace. Compared to that, what's one more body on the pile?"

He snagged the man's sleeve when he turned to leave.

"I won't let you!"

For the second time that day, an arm wrapped around Naruto's throat. In a single movement he found himself jerked upright and off his feet. Another slammed him against the wall with such force that he heard something pop in his back. That masked face loomed large before him, and for a moment-just a moment-he thought he saw a glowing pair of blue eyes beneath. Then he was too busy trying not to choke to death.

"You and what army, runt?"

The standoff held for a moment more.

His world began to go black around the edges.

Then, as suddenly as he'd attacked him, the stranger let go.

"Alright, alright." he grumbled, stalking away. "I'll leave him alone. Jeez. Your girls never let me have any fun."

"Um...who are you talking to?"

"None of your business. Have it your way, you little jagoff." the last word emerged as a silken hiss, only slightly muffled by the menacing mask. "You think you're hot shit?" a hand snapped out, seizing a whiskered cheek to deliver a harsh pinch. "Lets see how well you do without my protection. Do you even know that you're already being hunted by his minions? No?" another scoff as the boy struggled. "That bland expression of yours says it all. I give you less than twenty-four hours before you come bawling to me for help. Maybe a few resets will knock that stupidity out of you...if you survive."

"Survive what?!"

Naruto blinked furiously.

Little more than a brief fluttering of the eyes.

When he opened them again, he found himself alone in the alley.

Somehow the shadows seemed steeper with the Stranger's absence. Colder. Harder.

And in that moment, the young genin-stubborn though he was-realized he was well and truly alone.

* * *

_(...Minor Scene Break...)_

* * *

The walk home was an eerie one.

Though it was well into the afternoon by the time Naruto ceased pounding a training post into a pulp, the sky had darkened ominously, threatening ran. He tucked is arms deeper into his pockets as the wind began to rise by the time he raced back the way he had come, dark clouds rolling in to blot out the sun. A mighty rumble of thunder rippled in the distance, promising a storm. The air held a strange bite to it now, one that hadn't been there before, as though the very atmosphere were charged, waiting to erupt into rain at the slightest provocation.

Stranger still...the streets were empty.

Even for a shinobi village, there was almost always someone out at this hour. And then there were the Exams to consider. He'd seen no shortage of foreign dignitaries the other days, men and women, shinobi and civilian alike. So where had they all gone? It wasn't particularly late by his reckoning

Surprisingly, he found the door to his apartment open when he returned.

Unbidden, the stranger's words flashed through his mind.

_"Do you even know what's hunting you, brat?"_

Had he left it that way?

Edging the worn frame open, he fumbled for the light switch-no dice-and nearly jumped when he heard footsteps. At this angle with the clouds obscuring the rapidly setting sun, he could scarcely see anything. Irritated, he slapped at the light switch again-which actualy worked this time!-and dared out a hesitant:

"Hello? I-Is anyone there?"

A clatter from the kitchen caught his attention and he jolted away, arms, pinwheeling.

Instead of a stranger, a familiar head of dark hair popped up over the counter.

"Oh! Welcome home~!"

At first he didn't recognize her, if only because she'd abandoned her headband and combat attire for a pair of blue jeans and a green shirt. But the bold black musical note emblazoned upon said shirt-as well as those inky midnight eyes and raven hair-gave the intruder's identity away long before he could think to don a kunai. Was...was that an apron? Why was she wearing an apron? Where had she even found the damn thing? His bleak confusion only mounted as he beheld the pot on the stove and the array of ingredients assembled on the counter. What in blazes?

"Kin?"

A beatific smile bloomed across her pale face. "I thought I'd cook you something as thanks for helping me earlier."

"How did you even get here, anyway?" he muttered. "I didn't tell you where I lived...?"

She blinked. "A man in a mask told me where to find you...why?"

He sighed. "And that's totally not unusual at all...

"Hmm?" the little blackette tilted her head.

Naruto felt the hackles on the back of his neck rise and willed his smile not to waver even as his face twitched. That armor-wearing, sword-swinging bastard! Just what was he playing at here? Only a few hours ago he had stated his willingness to kill the kunoichi for reasons that were, frankly, unknown to the boy. So why would he go out of his way just to tell her where he lived? It didn't make any sense. Why bring her here if he wanted to keep the two of them apart? No, he was missing a piece of the puzzle here, but try as he might, he couldn't see it.

"Nah, its nothing-

_And the shadows boiled._

All at once a nearby window shattered with a rush of white lightning, sending the two teens whirling toward the sound and exploding glass. One such shard slashed just below Naruto's left eye, eliciting a pained gasp from the blond. He scarcely noticed it. Outside the storm gave a ponderous shriek, and thunder rolled through grief-stricken clouds. But try as he might, Naruto couldn't bring himself to look away from the window. There was something out there. Lurking in the dark. Just outside his sight. And.

It.

Came.

Through.

Dragging itself over broken glass, its was only vaguely humanoid. Its face was all wrong and ghastly and twisted in the worst of ways; it might have been a young woman once, but its eyes were black pits of soulless suffering, its mouth a grisly gaping tear. The tattered remnants of a worn robe clung to a horribly emaciated body, all but hanging off their pitiful frame. And yet he couldn't bear to look at them. Wrong, wrong, wrong! They looked wrong! They felt wrong.

Another wore his face.

He knew it because those were definitely his whiskered cheeks and blond hair, but...older. Clad in little more than a dirty brown cloak, it climbed in after its companion, shuffling soundlessly. Though its eyes were bound by a tattered cloth its head snapped toward him the moment he moved. At some wordless command, the female started forward.

Saw him.

Reached for him.

Its groan turned to a yelp as Kin promptly upended to the pot over the abomination's head. Her noble efforts earned her a crushing backhand that left her crumpled in a heap against the wall as she struck it headfirst. The kunoichi collapsed dead away; without thinking Naruto thrust himself between her and the onrushing menace.

"Leave her alone!"

Desperately, he swung at her with all of his paltry might.

And yet when he touched her...there was light.

It was a sight to behold really; the poor creature jerked back as though it had been burned, collapsing to the ground with a shriek. Its body writhed and spasmed as the light splayed over it, corruption peeling back as foul gaunt flesh filled out and regained a healthy sheen. That corroded robe became pure and white once more, as the shadowy woman writhed and shrieked upon the floor, their once ghastly restored before his very eyes, like time flowing in reverse. Even the other Shadow Servant seemed taken aback by the site.

In a matter of moments they first one was hale and whole and _healthy _again, their once mighty spasms ceasing all but ceasing as they finally fell still.

"Um...are you alright?" Naruto couldn't help but croak.

Wide eyes turned up at him, round with wonder.

"I...you healed me." she stammered out. "You brought me back. How?"

Naruto offered a helpless, mute shrug; in response she all but flung herself at his feet and began to grovel.

"I am sooooooo sorry, my pharaoh!" she wailed! "I failed you! I tried to fight, but I was consumed like the others and fell instead! Forgive me, I beg of you!"

The boy could only sputter helplessly. "Pha...?

Her ears twitched as she gave him another once-over. "Hmm? Aren't you a little younger than I remember?"

But then the other creature-the one with his face-came surging forward and barreled into the strange woman, sending her tumbling away. She snapped out a curse and a black staff manifested in her hands as she shouted at him to run, too late to make a difference. Three swift blows crashed down on her, sending her to join Kin in cursed slumber. The entire time, he'd stood there. Helpless. Frozen by fear. He still didn't move when that odd creature turned and drew a knife. It was smiling, displaying entirely too many teeth. He needed to move. Create a clone. Something. Anything. And yet all he felt was fear.

Sneering, the false creature started toward Naruto.

"Aaaaaand that's enough."

It never made it.

A blur burst through the door to to seize the shadowy creature by the throat-why did he always do that?!-and promptly levered it into a wall. Not a heartbeat later his savior appeared, phasing through the wall. When the creature with his face tried to escape, Snatcher closed around the nearest Shadow Servant's head and slammed the ghastly doppelganger into the ground before it could attack again. The ruined thing shrieked a wordless gurgle before as that same golden blade from before came down on its head. A wash of blinding light and it fell still.

"Good 'ol Excalibur." the masked man hummed. "Still works wonders on the undead."

"I...you...what the hell was that?!" Naruto sputtered! "That thing...it tried to kill me! It had my face! What's going on?!"

"You," Snatcher purred with silken menace, "Are one lucky little brat. If I hadn't been nearby, if we'd just let those things swarm you from the beginning; you'd be dead right now. We wouldn't be _having_ this conversation at all, you uppity little orange twi_-persistent bastard!"_ Quick as a flash he cut down at the corpse when it tried to rise again, dismembering it. Once. Twice. Thrice. This time it burst into harmless dust and didn't rise again from the ruined ashes.

"I nearly was, you jerk!" relief burst from the boy in a sob.

"Bah!" Snatcher scoffed. "Only five got past me. You would've been fine.

"Five?"

"Well, my...companion is dealing with the other two." Snatcher hummed. "As for the last one_-ahathereyouarebrat!"_

Snatcher calmly walked to the window and jumped through it into the bushes below. A yelp greeted him.

"Honestly, even as a Shadow Servant you're still lazy as ever, Osakabehime!"

Compared the heart-pounding tension of only a few minutes before, the scene that followed was almost comical by comparison. Someone leaped out of the brush Snatcher had dove into, eyes rolling with terror. Clad in the in the moldering garb of what might have been a kimono...a long time ago, she'd clearly seen better days. Tainted golden eyes saw him and widened in triumph as she raised what might have been an origami creature of some sort, smirking all the while-

"There you are!" she sneered. "Now would you kindly die-HYEEK!?"

Not a heartbeat later, the blond bounded back into the room and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck.

Dangling his prize aloft he held the young woman up and delivered a sharp kick to her rear, drawing forth another yelp.

"Wanna run that by me again?"

"I serve a power greater than you, faker!" She snarled. "You may stop me, but youHe will devour you! Swallow worlds! You only prolong the inevitable-

THRUK.

A quick chop to the neck rendered her insensate.

"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, c'mere kid." he hefted the now-slumbering Servant for inspection. "Give her a whack just like you did Nitcoris back there and she'll be right as rain."

Tentatively, the boy approached.

He poked her arm once. Twice. Thrice.

Finally, it took and Snatcher grunted in satisfaction as a glimmer of light crept across her form, then laid her next to the slumbering Caster.

"See? Just like that. Now do you understand why you're so important? Why so many want you dead?" when the boy shook his head, his fellow blond swatted him for it. "Idiot! Pay attention for once in your life! You're the light to that bastard's darkness, the antithesis to Beast's existence. His complete and utter opposite in every way. The one thing that can destroy him for good. He is cruel where you are kind, almost to a fault. Hideously selfish, while you would all but give a stranger the very clothes off you back. He would gladly cut off an arm to spite an enemy but you...

The smile that followed wasn't very nice.

"You'd probably give up an arm just to save your worst enemy, even knowing it would be lost forever."

"Well, yeah." Naruto blinked. "Wouldn't anyone do that?"

Behind the mask, Snatcher's jaw popped open.

"Not anyone, no." he uttered.

For a moment he feared that the masked man was going to shake him again. He would've welcomed it. That last remnants of fear formed an icy core in his gut that refused to melt. He'd been powerless. Frozen. Unable to move so much as an inch as those...things came after him. Not again. Never again. He'd thought himself past that; that he'd dealt with it against the Demon Brother so long ago. Apparently not. The knowledge that he'd failed to do something-anything!-galled him more than his own brush with death itself. If he couldn't fight...if he couldn't keep his word...what good was he? He was just...weak.

Remarkably, it was Snatcher who delivered him from that depressing hell.

"Hey!" a hand shot out, settling against his blood-spattered hair. "'None of that. You survived. Look at me."

He did as he'd been bade.

"Look, if he gets you, corrupts that potential of yours, then we lose. All of us. He could use that power in reverse, turn anyone he touched. Do you understand?" a hand wrapped around his shoulder and shook it. "I don't know why, but for some reason you were born with this gift. And now that he's coming after you, the universe is _literally _bending the rules of reality just to keep you alive. So do me a favor and don't do anything stupid, alright? Its annoying enough to keep an eye on you as is...and I'm no good with this touchy-feely stuff."

With that said, he gave him a shove and stepped back.

"You mentioned someone else...?"

"Hmm?" Snatcher barely deigned to look at him. "Oh, her. She'll be joining us shortly."

As if waiting for that very cue, another window shattered.

And someone came flying through.

"NOT AGAIN!"

She was beauty and grace personified; a peerless creature with red eyes and pale blue hair. Massive spiraling horns curled from either side of her head, only further enhancing her majesty. Her clothes-and he hesitated to call them that!-were little more than scraps of blue scales, glinting gems barely preserving her modesty. Naruto might be dense as a brick, but even he couldn't ignore that kind of smoldering sexuality. Then he noticed the weight of what she was carrying. In each hand she clutched the remnants of a Servant. No, she dragged them behind her, as if they were trophies for her to collect. Worse, each wore his face, though hideously warped and twisted by blackened mud and insanity.

"Tiamat," Snatcher sighed, "What did I tell you about playing with your food?"

Full lips quirked in an adorable pout as she gazed placidly at him.

"Fine, fine," he waved at her. "Just get rid of them."

The crimson cadavers didn't fade or burn away as Naruto expected them to; rather they simply melted into the floor as the strange woman_...what the actual hell._ Had she absorbed them? No, she'd clearly turned a portion of the floor to mud just now, and as he looked on they vanished through the murky portals, never to be seen again. Something in his very soul cried out at what he'd just witnessed. Whomever-whatever!-this woman was, she commanded powers unknown to him. She'd dispatched two of those...things with nothing but her bare hands. Nope. That was it. His brain quit.

"Just who the hell are you guys?!"

"Was I ever this noisy?" Snatcher sighed. "Well, I guess I better be blunt about it...you're totally screwed. No point in keeping this secret now that things have escalated this far."

And the man removed his mask.

"EH?!"

Naruto looked up. And up again. Up. At first he couldn't quantify what-who!-he was looking at. With a soft sigh, the stranger reached up and plucked off the orange spiral facade they'd been wearing until this very moment. His own face gazed down and back at him, blue eyes hardened by years of service. That was him?! He grew up to look like that?! Perhaps gleaning the awe in his eyes, this towering stranger with his face knelt down and ruffled his hair as a big brother might towards a younger sibling.

...welcome to the multiverse, kid."

His companion's reaction was...another matter.

The horned woman scooted forward, approaching him as one would a skittish rabbit. Hands at her sides, stoic gaze fixed upon him, yet he couldn't bring himself to look away. Despite the blood on her face and the stains on her hands, she radiated a strange innocence that prevented him from trying to scuttle away. Closer she came. Closer still, until she was naught but hairsbreadth away. When she crouched down, he nearly jerked back solely out of habit. This close he found his head at a rather...awkward position, though he remained pinned by her eyes.

Tiamat grinned.

Then she lunged and crushed his head into her bosom.

"SO SMALL! SO TINY! HE'S ADORABLE! SNATCHER! WE HAVE TO KEEP HIM!"

The man who had thus far only identified himself as "Snatcher" bopped her head.

"No! Bad! Tiamat! You'll break the brat! We've been over this! He can't be a legend if you crush him to death!"

The divine entity paid him no heed and only squeezed the object of her affections ever tighter. It was, all things considered, a rather ignominious end to what had already proven itself to be an overwhelming day for poor Naruto. What had once seemed like a noble goal this morning now appeared paltry by comparison to the harsh reality he'd been faced with. But more than that! Arms! Crushing him! Can't breathe again! Needless to say, the beleagured boy found himself collapsing out in short order.

It was the beginning of something mad; a feud between two blonds that would see the world swept up in madness.

But for now...passing out via nosebleed was really quite the explosive way to go.

"Bah, you little lightweight!" His-future?-self guffawed openly at him.

Naruto groaned. "I swear...I'll get you...for that...

Then the blessed black of sleep took him.

**A/N: Now you see.**

**What Snatcher and Beast fail to realize is that this timeline no longer matters. The "Naruto" one wanted to protect, and the other, destroy, is already in the throne. After all the Throne of Heroes isn't so easily tampered with. But now their meddling has already created something-someone!-new, a Naruto so pure he literally punches the darkness right out of you. As contrived as that sounds, I'm sure you realize what this means.**

**He cannot, however, save corrupted incarnations of himself.**

**Still, this means Pure!Naruto-working title-is an absolute BANE for Shadow Servants, Alters, or anyone Servant with darkness in their heart really. Sadly, he can't control it all that well and this ability doesn't work on living people, but he's got the good 'ol Talk no Jutsu for that. ****Meaning, if Beast keeps sending out Shadow Servants...his army is going to be right depleted real quick. Well, that's all I've got for now. **

**I'm off to work another double again, looking forward to chatting with you all when I get back.**

**Reviews are Love. Reviews are Life. Reviews keep me Alive.**

**Lack of reviews sends me right back into hibernation.**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Potential ones at that!**

**Get ready to laugh!**

**Which do ya like?**

**(Previews!)**

_"Congratulations. You have two big sisters now."_

_Naruto nearly choked on his ramen. No. Wait. Actually, he did. "Um?! What was that?_

_"Nitocris and Osakabehime, of course." Snatcher hummed. "Their timelines were destroyed. It only seems right to let them rest here."_

* * *

_"Who is...?"_

_"Oh, Tiamat?" A nostalgic grin crept across Snatcher!Naruto's face as he watched the horned woman cur lay into another enemy. "You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to win her over. And I was only a little older than you are now. But it was worth it. Remind me to tell you sometime. She's actually quite the good cook."_

_...eh?"_

* * *

_"Ordinarily, if you die, you start over. From the beginning of this wretched little exam."_

_"But if Beast gets you, or one of his cronies..._

**_...its game over."_**

* * *

_"Um...you alright there?"_

_She flew at him with a squeal._

_Before he could think to protest, she kissed him._

* * *

_"So what you're saying is..._

_"I'm you but stronger. Better. Smarter. Good looking, too-_

_...and you've got a stick up your ass just like Neji. Good to know."_

* * *

_"Congratulations. You fucked up the timeline. How in the hell am I supposed to fix this?!"_

_Naruto dithered awkwardly as Snatcher glowered at him. "Sorry...?"_

_Snatcher blew out a harsh aggravated, suffering breath._

_"No...its fine...I'll just have to...pop off a few heads."_

_"What?! No! What is it with you and killing?!"_

_"Genocide all the way, brat!"_

**R&R~! =D**


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